Losing Someone

"How does it feel to lose someone very important to you? Maybe it too painful!" Those were my exact thoughts few days before I lost someone very dear to me. Never have I imagined I would experience the pain and loneliness of losing a great friend.

It's been more than a month (almost 2 months) when I lost my best friend, Khat. It was so painful for me because she never told me she was under pain. She was ill and I wasn't there for her. I was the best friend and yet, I wasn't beside her when she succumbed to death. 

Cancer. A disease that doesn't have an exact or accurate cure up until this day of computers and gadgets. She had Lung Cancer Stage 4, Metastatic. Where it started? I didn't know. She kept it from me. And that's what keeps me from letting go of this pain. The knowledge that her co-workers knew what she's been going thru and they were with her until her last breath, that pains me a lot. 

Ever since she lost her battle with Cancer, this is the very first time that I am alone. I didn't have my sisters and nephews to keep me company. School ended and I had nothing to get my mind busy. My parents are away for a few weeks of vacation. So literally, I had no one to talk to right now. And I am missing those moments where we just talk about anything.

How do we really move on and let go of this kind of pain? When my ex-boyfriend broke up with me four to five years ago, I thought I already died. Nope. This is worse. And never have I thought that Khat would be the one to make me feel like this.

I always pray to God of dreaming about her. I wanted to talk to her in my dreams, but she never came. And I feel very betrayed. Her friends, cousins and "almost" boyfriend dreamed of her couple of times already. Why hasn't she showed up to mine?

This blog entry seems to be going nowhere and very unorganized. This is the vulnerable side of me. I wouldn't want to experience being left behind again without a word. I hope and pray to God I could move on and let go.... soonest!