Uncertainty!

When you are not sure of what your existence means anymore. Why am I alive? Why do I have to suffer? Why being alive is too painful? Why does it hurt so much and why do I have to force myself to get up each morning just to suffer? Is my only purpose in life to gove everything I have and everything I can, until I get dried out and there won't be anything left for myself? Do I really have to live? Am I really alive right now? Or am I just trying to survive each day? Can't I just end things my way? If I leave, will I be called crazy and stupid and all those cheap insults? I think what's holding me back to end things already is the sole reason that no one would really care. I'm scared that no one would really care. Like right now. I cry for help each time, but no one notices... no one wants to listen.

Thoughts...

Before I go and do crazy things...


There were a lot who offered to listen if ever I'd need someone to talk to, but after losing you, I don't think someone out there understands me like you do, Seb. God, I miss you a lot in times like this. Everything just feels so heavy. I feel so worthless. I feel like I am the forgotten one, the biggest disappointment there is. You were there to lift me up before, whenever I felt like this. Now, I don't have anyone with me. And it feels so painful and I feel so crazy because the only thing that would come up in my head is to just end everything. And I'm afraid I'd resort to cutting again. But it makes it feel less heavy in the chest. What do I do? I miss you, Seb. I wish I can still talk to you, you know?

Losing Someone

"How does it feel to lose someone very important to you? Maybe it too painful!" Those were my exact thoughts few days before I lost someone very dear to me. Never have I imagined I would experience the pain and loneliness of losing a great friend.

It's been more than a month (almost 2 months) when I lost my best friend, Khat. It was so painful for me because she never told me she was under pain. She was ill and I wasn't there for her. I was the best friend and yet, I wasn't beside her when she succumbed to death. 

Cancer. A disease that doesn't have an exact or accurate cure up until this day of computers and gadgets. She had Lung Cancer Stage 4, Metastatic. Where it started? I didn't know. She kept it from me. And that's what keeps me from letting go of this pain. The knowledge that her co-workers knew what she's been going thru and they were with her until her last breath, that pains me a lot. 

Ever since she lost her battle with Cancer, this is the very first time that I am alone. I didn't have my sisters and nephews to keep me company. School ended and I had nothing to get my mind busy. My parents are away for a few weeks of vacation. So literally, I had no one to talk to right now. And I am missing those moments where we just talk about anything.

How do we really move on and let go of this kind of pain? When my ex-boyfriend broke up with me four to five years ago, I thought I already died. Nope. This is worse. And never have I thought that Khat would be the one to make me feel like this.

I always pray to God of dreaming about her. I wanted to talk to her in my dreams, but she never came. And I feel very betrayed. Her friends, cousins and "almost" boyfriend dreamed of her couple of times already. Why hasn't she showed up to mine?

This blog entry seems to be going nowhere and very unorganized. This is the vulnerable side of me. I wouldn't want to experience being left behind again without a word. I hope and pray to God I could move on and let go.... soonest!

Life

What is Life? How do you go about making it so meaningful and useful? I didn't ponder about that for the past 27 years of my life, until very recently. March 7, 2017 at around 12midnight. I received the news that my best friend died. Imagine my angst, the sorrow and shock I felt? Indescribable! She didn't even let me know that she was in the hospital for 2weeks. It was so painful. Couple of days before that news, I always passed by this street where someone's wake was being held. And I told myself, "How does it feel to lose someone so dear to you? I bet it's so painful that I wouldn't wanna know how it feels." And just BAM! I got the news. Seb, wherever you are. Just know this. I LOVE YOU AND I WILL MISS YOU FOREVER. Just exactly 24mins from now, it will be your birthday. You're supposed to turn 28. Whatever dreams and goals in life you have, I'll be the one to continue it. And I promise not to forget this day for the rest of my life. I miss you so much and it's already killing me. I love you to the moon and back. To infinity and beyond. "Tayo lang ang may forever" right?

After Seven Years...

After seven years of not seeing each other, finally! Well, I often see my best friend, of course, but for us to be all together (although some were not present) was so mind-blowing. We just planned this for a week. I so love these people! It's been seven years yet it feels like we've never even been away from one another! Cheers to more than nine years of friendship, and to more years to come!

Skin Care Routine

Over the years, I've tried several routines to cleanse my skin, particularly my face. During those teenage days, I've only used baby soap, as my skin tend to break out if I soap it with harsh products. But as I aged, I noticed that the texture of my face would change. Sometimes it's so dry that I'd see patches seeping through my makeup, but most of the time it's so oily, I could fry.

Here's my current skin care. First I wash my face using Crabtee & Evelyn's Avocado, Olive and Basil soap. It's not harsh at all. All natural. I usually rinse it with just tap water. Right after my face is dry, I'd scrub it with Extra Virgin Olive Oil and Brown Sugar mixture. A concoction I've learned from researching things on the internet. I would also apply Olive Oil on my hair and leave it for about 45mins.

Right after I scrubbed and rinsed my face, I'd tone my face using Hydrogen Peroxide. I know, it's not meant for the face. But hey, I'd just learned it from a beauty guru in youtube. To be honest, I've only been using it for a couple of days. So, the verdict has yet to be determined.

After that, I'd use Avon's Peel Off Mask in Cucumber. It's said to have triple action such as purifying, soothing and energizing. And this, my friends, have been living up to its promises. I just leave it for 10-15mins and after peeling it off, my skin feels refreshed and smooth.

Another product I've been using for awhile now is Nivea Creme. The one that comes in a blue canister. Oh! This one's a holy grail! I also use this to moisturize my face before applying makeup, and it holds everything right in place, all day long. It also claims to be the "Most sold moisturizer worldwide" and I can see why.

And with this routine, I found my face to be smoother, my break outs lessened. So, if anyone comes across this post and tried some of the products I've used, please let me know in the comment section down below. I'd also love to know whether it worked for you or not.

Ciao!

Kitchen Central

So, I've been out of my usual diet for the past few days. And when a friend asked me to go with him to try out this new burger place within the area, I actually agreed. Kitchen Central. It was just a small place but was packed with crowd, willing to wait for a table. I wouldn't say that the place was cozy. Because it wasn't really. But it would do. It was clean though. The food looks picture perfect but i could say a few things to improve though.

This was KitKat Kraze. And I wasn't so crazy at all over this. The smoothie was a bit bland. But it looks good on pictures, right?

 

 This one was, I think, called Jorjouis Burger. Loved the colorful bun. This one lacks the savory taste that a burger should have. It tastes nothing out of the ordinary burgers I could buy from a stall. The patty broke easily and it's saggy. But it doesn't taste so bad, since i put on a lot of Sriracha, yet it doesn't taste great.

Over all, it's still a good experience. Service was good and fast. I'd rate it as 6 out of 10. There are still a lot of room for improvement.